Review: Ask Joanne

When I was married, and my husband and I were trying so desperately to figure out what was going on in our marriage, why I cried every time we had sex or had to be drunk, we each had sites that were great resources to us at the time.

Joanne Fleisher, who wrote the now-Oprahcized book, Living Two Lives: A guide for Married Women Awakening to their Attraction to Other Women also created an online resource in the form of a moderated discussion board, for married women to work through the process of questioning, coming out, evaluating their current relationships, and deciding how to move forward. There is a companion board for the single gay girlfriends, who have their own unique issues and perceptions to deal with when in relationship with a married woman.

Aside from the dated appearance and hodgepodge header area on the board, it can be an effective tool for any woman who suddenly finds herself blindsided by an attraction to a specific woman, or women in general. The stories on the board run the gamut from wondering whether the attraction is part of a bisexual nature and therefore can be managed within the current heterosexual relationship, to women who have come to the absolute stop sign in their lives that says, “hey, you’re same-sex attracted and it explains all the issues you’ve had around intimacy with your spouse, and now what are you going to do?”.

Another good thing about this board is that the moderator, and indeed many of the participants, don’t take a stock approach which can often consist of telling the married woman she MUST come out, MUST leave her marriage, is copping out if she stays, etc. Given that coming out can have enormous ramifications for every area of a woman’s life, especially in the US (Canada is a bit more tolerant policy-wise), risking economic disaster and/or devastating legal bills, the loss of custody of minor children, health care coverage… it’s no small thing to just say, “come out, the weather’s fine”. Often women are wise to work through the attractions, which can be physically and emotionally all-encompassing, and get to the reality check and planning/implementation stage for a move. Those girl scouts have it right when they say ‘be prepared.’

The moderation is spotty – at times one or two women will dominate the board for a period and get into those unfortunate catfights many of us have little patience for… frankly, when you don’t know whether you’re going to live or die for a while just out of emotional and psychological stress, ego-driven flamewars are particularly ill-timed and obnoxious.

Still, it made the difference to me, just to find a community of women who felt much like I did, were willing to share and hold each other up through times of intense transition. If you are a married woman struggling to find your way, stop in and peruse the board. Membership is free. The book is also highly recommended.

Bulletin Board Link: Ask Joanne
 

~ by qreview on May 14, 2008.